Boundaries - Excuses or Tools?
Have you noticed how many people use "boundaries" as a reason to not heal or reconcile with friends or loved ones? So many of us are claiming "triggers" as the reason to stay away from people with whom we disagree. There is absolutly a time and place for healthy boundaries, but a lot of people are using "healthy boundaries" as an excuse to not make ammends or to not accept people who simply hold different views and opinions.
Liz and Debi discuss this challenge and want to encourage relationship building without excuses.
Managing Our Expectations
The other day I posted a meme on Facebook that said simply, “stop expecting you from people”. This wraps up so succenctly what it means to expect certain behaviors from others. Because we consider ourselves to be honest, we expect honesty. Because we are givers, we expect others to give and serve. Because we are workaholics, we expect others to drop everything to adapt to our schedule.
Most of us expect that people we love and with whom we are in relationship, will see the best in us and will be slow to jump to conclusions. Sadly, this is not always the case. When we are the subject of lies and wild accusations, our hearts can break. We become defensive, and all we want in the world is to be understood. Sometimes it just seems that people have made up their minds, and nothing we say or do with every change that.
Triangulation Leads to Strangulation
Triangulaiton is when someone brings a third party into the relationship in order to defend themselves and their bad behavior. People do this by saying things like "all my other friends tell me I’m a great friend. If you don't think the same, it's YOUR problem." Our former president used this tactic all the time when he said things like, "many, many people tell me I'm doing a great job". This is triangulation. People who are a part of his tribe, but may be put off by his behavior, are bullied into silence because they don't want to be ostercized by their tribe. Donald Trump knew the power of belonging. He put people in the position of supporting him and being a part of the "in" crowd, or not supporting him and risk losing their friends and family relationships - and it worked!
Mistakes Become New Life
Just because we wish we hadn't made choices and mistakes of the past, we do not have to live in a place of regret and shame. Some people find joy in reminding you of your past. We can't change what people think or say about you and/or others.
Every minute we spend defending ourselves against a false allegation is a minute wasted trying to save a relationship that's already dead.
Yes/And
Actors use an improvisational tool called yes/and. The words no, I don't think so, you're wrong, etc.... instantly stops the scene. On the other hand, the words, yes & and keep the scene moving forward. Likewise, when in conversation with others we use the words, no, stop, or you're wrong, we stop healthy conversations and relationships in their tracks.
Dancing With Forgiveness
In order to have a healthy relationship with other humans, we must sometimes forgive them. In order to have healthy relationships with ourselves, we must forgive the junk of our past—often every single day.